i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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