so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
