is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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