What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
