Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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