The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
