ya dads aren't the best wingmen
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Oh god it's open bar.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
