There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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