Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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