i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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