I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
