You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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