chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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