its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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