Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
