Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
