The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
