He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
