I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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