im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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