: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
