Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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