Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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