im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Randomize
