i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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