I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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