I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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