take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
