Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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