You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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