Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
