omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
