Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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