I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
