Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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