accomplished twins. life is a go
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
