remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
