I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
