If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
