just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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