You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
