saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
