I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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