I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
