I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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