wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
