My hand turned me down
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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