you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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