how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
