So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
